Just thinking out loud

Why can't anyone ever say what they mean? I really wish people would just do that. But at the same time, I tend to complicate things moreso than they need to be.
I'm a writer. I write the truth, but there are still so many examples of my writings where I have concealed what I wrote and what I meant. Where I put hidden meanings and clues, but nothing where I came out and said what I meant. Is that even truth?
Sometimes I get so bogged down in meanings I forget the message.
And then, sometimes when I'm writing, I get in this funky mood(without drugs, i swear) where I can see so clearly, and write so well, and other times I can't get past the blank page/screen.
I love to write, and I wouldn't trade that gift for the world. But when words come to me, there's a responsibility that comes with it- i feel complelled to write down voices and combinations of words I hear in my head. I feel complelled to write on this blog every day at least twice.
I don't even know how many people are going to read this, but I feel like I need it out there.
I've even related personal writing(ans songwriting) to baring your soul- the ultimate act of intimacy, and not meant to share with the world. It's something so deep inside you, and for that reason, I will not publish all my poems on here. Some are meant only for me. Some are never meant to be read by any others. Others are meant for a select few.
But i've often said writing is my soul and drawing is my pastime.
i g2g, ttly
~mAnDi J

45 mins till i have to go to bed

I hate having a bed time....i feel so childish when mom's like, 'get to bed by 10' or 'i want you in bed my 11'. i hate being treated like that! I'm 17, mom.
I have to finish this assignment, but i'm online w josh right now.
I hope this thing can be done quick tomorrow. lol.
this convo is v interesting... neways, i g2g, so ttyl
~mAnDi J

finished with recycling- almost nauseous

We finished recycling for this week.
I should probably explain I'm in Youth Action Team at my school, and our big project for thie start of the year was to get a recycling program started at school. So now that we implemented it, we have to collect everything fr the classrooms and sort it every thursday. The smell gets to ya, and the cans are sometimes left half full or spill out in the bags. It's v messy and v gross, but I'm really glad the stuff isn't going to a landfill. And I don't mind missing most of first class. lol. Almost an hour today- longer than normal.
I guess this class is almost over, so ttyl
~mAnDi J

busy day

Today, i have to work. I have to leave school early and go work until about 6. Then I've got a meeting, until about 10. (We tend to stay late)
Was talking to josh last night...great stuff.
Well, i g2g. it's recycling day at school, thursday, for those of u that don't know.
bye!
~mAnDi J

back on again

Hey, i can post on here again. I was trying to earlier today and it wouldn't let me.
I don't have a whole lot to say, but I was on msn today, and I tlked to josh and darcy. Both really nice guys. Darcy tried to send me some files, but my computer didn't accept them. I tlked to josh even longer...and I have finally replied to his email.
I'm supposed to be doing my CALM project, it's due on fri, and i need to get it all together, and I am leaving school at the start of lunchtime tomorrow so that I can work. I will collate flyers tomorrow. Starting at 1:20 til...well, i have to stop around 6:00, i'm guessing, cause we have our meeting tomorrow instead of tonight. Hope we can work quick enough, cause I only get paid half(working w my sis), and we together only get paid 1/2 cent for every flyer, and 1 cent for every bag we put them in.
But it's better than nothing, which is what we've had for ages now. We don't get flyers v often.
I did pick up a job application at the Clothesline in Berwick today, though. I got back a few mins ago fr driving out there.
Well, I guess that's all for now.
tty'all l8a.
~mAnDi J

calm project! ARGH

I have typed my moving out project for CALM twice, and the computer has deleted it. I am soo mot impressed!!!!
We had a band concert first thing so i missed most of math class. Afterwards, apparently, someone lit something on fire and left it on the bleachers. Really smart. Now the v-p is asking for info. I swear i wasn't involved.
There were a few things that i nioticed that kept me laughing through most of the concert. There was a guy w two big cymbals, and his long red hair would fly up every time he clapped them together. It was v funny.
Then on the last song, this really short skinny guy was standing outside the auditorium, and he started dancing to the jazz band's rendition of Taking Care of Business. That was really cute.
I guess the bell's gonna ring soon, so ttyl
~mAnDi J

amy

hello people, sorry to bother y'all again.
I know, there should be a limit to how many times we blog in one day.
Just wanted to say hey to amy, as i invited her to this blog. I'm still not sure if she'll join, but i sent an invite.
Actually, I wanted to post another poem. lol. hope y'all like em, cuz that's today's theme, apparently. I really like this one, anyway. I read it in my English class.

"Beautiful"
You are a flower
beautifully intoxicating
Breathtakingly innocent.
Fragile.
I watch as you life hangs.
Hangs in the balance.
I reach out,
Are you there?
The mist rises.
Were you a dream?
Or maybe you are still
Out there somewhere.
Hidden in the mist.
Your translucent
Appearance
Is what got me confused.
I thought I saw
This pain in your eyes.
I want to help
But I can't find you now.
I'd call out your name
If i knew it well.
But you are a flower.
I call out to
Beautiful.
Are you there?
2005 Mandi Johnson

old diaries

This am i was sitting on the bus, and i looked at my old diary. It's just something I do randomly, read through old entries. Well, i rememebred an awful lot of stuff. Stupid dtuff, like sitting in chem and math class, bored to tears. I once wrote a verse to a song in math class cuz i was too bored. It's "advanced math". Yeah right. My teacher think's he goes so fast paced. He doesn't. We still do the same stuff over and over.
Anyways, getting off topic. I also found several oems and musings I thought I'd lost. I mean, they could be anywhere. I have over 30 diaries and journals. Very rarely do i ever finish them, something about i always want to know there's at least one page left to write on ifi really need it. Or most likely because I just keep on getting mew ones. I really don't know.
So anyways, here's one of the poems i thought I'd lost . i was quite happy to find it. It's kinda dumb, but it's a limerick. I don't write too many of them.

The stream of time waits for no one
You're here for a moment, then you're gone.
Makin' your mark
Is a stab in the dark
Sometimes you're merely a pawn.
2005. Mandi Johnson

I miss dancing. It's random, but i just read a lengthy journal entry about how much i miss art, and dancing. I was in a dance group when i was in gr 5-7. I loved it. And i love to move to music(mostly in my room where no one sees*blushes*) I even enjoy myself at those dumb teen parties. And one other thing I miss: having time to play guitar and time to fool around w chords to come up w a tune for a song. Thats stuff i miss. Sniff. I guess I'm just being nostalgic right now.
I should be doing my CALM project now, so I guess thats all for now.
~mAnDi J

late night

i was up kinda late last night. Josh and I were emailing back and forth, and then my mom caught me. It was 11 here, and i guess it was 10 there. So mom wanted to know about this josh guy, and i asked if i could accept $ from him for a sub to my zine, and she said ok. Josh, I said $25 a yr, i meant in canadian. Probably $20 american, I am not good w currency conversion.
So, I got to bed around midnight. It's a wonder i made it to school.
I wanted to start posting my poems on here, so bear w me. This was only written last night, probably not very good. Not written to anyone in particular, just general.

I wish you were here
To see the curses I bear
I wish you wouldn't leave
Me to my own devices.
At a time when I need you
so much,
I wish you wouldn't
turn such a blind ear
And block the sounds of my
silent tears.
What I'm asking is not so
extraordinary. Just that you
stay while I need you right now.
And listen to words I can't express.
You fill in my hole,
my missing peice.
Until I heal, I need you.
You listen better than anyone.
And your worth to me
cannot be named
For you can't put a price
on true friends.

2005 Mandi Johnson

Yawner

Hello. I am almost finished with this regard sur la vie thing. It's really annoying my. I mean, yawner! Don't get me wrogn- i love looking up info on old dead guys. Esp. ones I'm related to. But this is just dragging on and on. Not to mention it was due like, Friday. Then today. And I'll have it done for tomorrow.
*rolls eyes*.
Heard back fr josh today, that was nice. My so-called friends at school have been teasing me mercilessly. Thanx guys, a lot. And darren, still waiting to recieve a comment fr u on here. Lydia, have you forgotten me? If u happen to read this before tomorrow, u and amy owe me zine $, but get it to me whenever, k?
As I've mentioned already on here, I had a mirgane/headache thing today- not fun. Lydia and i went to Mr. Lindh's office to get tylenol. good news is he doesn't creep me out ne more.
It actually worked, which is the amazing thing. Mr Lindh almost didn't believe me that i need two extra strength tylenol. Last time i asked him for some(2 yrs ago) he only gave me one, and guess what? it didn't work.
I hate having headaches, but what can I do? i was on meds for it for 6 months. I'm off now.
Neways, i said that thing would be done for tomrrow, so i better finish it.
ttyl
~Don Quixote(mandi)

four minutes

hey, four mins b4 the bell rings and i have to go to eng class.
I had a bad start to the day...a guy threw a hat at me in first class, and it started a mirgane for me. It's been overcast, so I suppose that contributed, but still, not fun.
I g2g now....ttyl
~mAnDi J

essays and all that jazz

Today is sunday. I have two assignments due tomorrow, one for English and one for Histoire Canadien. Guess what? Neither is even close to being done. I mean started.
But guess what? I (finally) got my zine printed!!! Yay!!! It's only 3 weeks late. My April issue is available right now, for $1. It's printed on yellow paper this time, as a result of the reader poll taken in February's issue. It get on a emailing list for MAJ World, or get a subscription, email me at mjguurl@yahoo.ca. If you'd like to check out my web page, which is supposed to be functional now, my home page is at ca.geocities.com/majguurl/index.htm. April's issue is not available online as of yet.
Back to school tomorrow, as I said, not looking forward to it, cuz i don't think anyone will even have $ to pay me for my zine. Oh well.
Hello to Josh, i tried to put ur site on here a couple times a few days ago, but the link thing wouldn't work. I can put it on, but it says the link doesn't exist. But success! i put it on a min ago and it works.:D
Lydia, not to be the whiny brat you know me as, but post something! Please?
My mother is attempting to run a yard sale today, it's cloudy, sunday, and it's been raining off and on. No one has come excpet for the neighbours, but i don't think they bought anything.
We do not live on a busy street. Pretty much the only traffic come from huge gravel trucks running up and down at all hours.
well, i g2g. so ttyl.
~mAnDi J

Home on Saturday

Hello, this is a rarity for me- I'm home on a Saturday morning. I'm almost always out, and just getting back at this time. But today mom and abbie and i stayed home. You see, the mattress that my sister had been sleeping on is full of mildew, and when mom moved it to between the wall and the head of my bed, in my room, we all found out I'm allergic to it. That's great, mom. I am getting over my allergies now, cuz I didn't sleep there overnight. I slept upstairs.
So what am I doing on this slightly cooler than normal day in spring? Well, mom was supposed to have a yard sale, but we are not on the main road, and mom said it was too cold anyway. So I'm working on my zine. I realized that once again, I have left my good copy of it at home. Not cool. So I am re doing the whole thing, hoping to have it done and printed by the end of the day.
I guess the rest of my hmwk will get done tomorrow.
So I'll say hi the ppl reading this, and josh, as i'm pretty sure u will be. I still don't know who u are tho. U look a lot like someone else tho. lol.
Anyway, tty'all l8a.
~mAnDi J

Listening to James Taylor

lalalala....english class was so much fun today, even tho we had the quiz(which was easy!). We read our paraphrases of shakepeare's sonnets, and we'll just say that Ian Pineo did not disappoint us. Although thew teacher may have been disappointed in him. lol. oh my socks, that rendering of his was so funny!
So, right now, i am listening to James Taylor. Yes, lydia, i listen to stuff other than alternative rock. I happen to love his song fire and rain. And the rest on his greatest hits aren't that bad either. I remembered the other one i like of his- how sweet it is to be loved by you. I love that one.
Well, i suppose i should get to my hmwk now, i have a fair amount.
tty'all l8a!
~mAnDi J

profile pic~ argh!!!

I was up a bit longer than normal last night, trying to get my stupid profile picture to work on here. I have it posted below. Apparently it's too big, after i waited for that Hello thing or whatever to download.
So now the school day is almost over- english class is next. It is such a beautiful day outside, but none of my friends want to go out now, so I'm in this computer lab w/ the lights out, and i feel alomst like a vampire. Shudder.
I checked, but I found no comment from you, Karyann. Only one from someone who looks really familiar, but i don't know him. He recognized me too. That was weird.
Anyway, I suppose when I get home, I should be finishing my resume( i need a job, thats a start), and my zine! argh! I am supposed to have my zine finished 3 wks ago, it's still not done. I need pics for m craze, i need to finish my articles, and get everything put together.
There's 5 mins left in lunch. Lydia is studying for her physics test(she's such a geek). lol. I have a "Phrases, clauses, commas, and apostrophes quiz in 5 mins too. I think I'll do alright.
So I think thats all for now, the bell's about to ring.
~Don Quixote(mandi)

this is a pic of me

homework as usual

well, here i am typing another post today. i have no life, cuz well, im not sure. i just don't like doing too much. Lydia on the other hand, has no life cuz she's too busy.
Well, i have been doing a little homework, and i found out that brian mulroney helped w the Canadian Multiculturalism Act- v cool, and he was pm when they made Nunavut a territory. So there's something i never knew.
As for the whole don quixote/sanchez thing, lydia- thats just great. v funny. how far r we gonna take that? lol.
my sister is washing the table singing the intro to Save a Horse Ride A Cowboy. awful song, that is. awful. she likes the intro. sez it's funny.
mom's been babysitting this afternoon for chenine- her lil boy Caleb hasn't really been getting along w abbie v well.
in other news- tonight is that stupid Country Dance at school(im so not going) and tomorrow is pj day!!! i have a new pj top, so i'll wear that and my red pj/gym pants.
My Mother Has A Cell Phone. Really. She went out and bought one today and signed a contract thinger and she has a small red cell phone. I'd swear it's a sign of the apocalypse, but they didn't come out and mention her in the bible. lol. it's funny, she has no clue how to use the thing, i has to program in the phone #s on it, and show her how to call. I have changed the bg pic on it several times, and she don't even care.
Well, I suppose that's the biggest news from today, i'll c y'all l8a.
~Don Quixote(mandi)

im sick

hello.. well the title of my last post seems really funny now, cuz i m feeling so sick. My eyes are like, burning, and my nose has been going nonstop.
I have no idea what i'm even doing at school right now. I guess I'm supposed to be looking up stuff on Brian Mulroney for an Histoire project, but I have no sweet clue.
If I'm not feeling better tonight, i might not come tomorrow. But most likely I'll have to take some meds and go neway.
I snowed last night, not a very good practical joke, Mother Nature! I don't like snow. Most of it's gone now, anyway. It was pretty sunny out today, but not as warm as it's been.
I guess thats all for now, ttyl
~mAnDi J

my head's clearer now, thanx

Hey ppls, and lydia, who i know for sure reads this ;P.
Indead, my head is a tad clearer now that im away from school and all that "mandi smokes pot" business. I swear im going to get in huge trouble bout that some day. But i guess it's just fun and games for now, so i go along w/ it.
In case you don't know me, I WILL NEVER SMOKE POT or do ANY ILLEGAL DRUGS. Just wanted to state that for the record, cuz ppl get strange ideas. some ppl in my group in CALM class have a joke running that i am this big pot-head. I'm not, it's fictional.
Today, though, I was really out of it, and I understand why they truely thought i was stoned. I had a headache.
So now that I know what's going on, I will attempt to post my homework for any of you who are in my classes(v small percentage, maybe none, but hey- it's my blog):
Histoire Canadien: Regard sur la Vie, due friday.
Thinger- ma-gigger about cold war prime minister's memoirs due tomorrow(i think)
Thinger we did today, overview on all the prime ministers. Due tomorrow or the next day
Projet Autonome. due sometime next month, no idea when. Good idea to start it though
Newspaper. Mine due on may 11, no idea when ur's might be done.
English: Journals, due May 4th.
Quiz on punctuation on Friday
Essay on Power Of Words, due on Mon
Word of the Day Quiz 4, next wed.
We had a Test on Shakepeare's boigraphy info today.
Math 12: We had a Test today
Couple quick questions for tomorrow
CALM:Moving Out Project

So that's all, and I'll tty'all l8a.
~mAnDi J

creepy....

I was just in English class, and may i say, i was quite creeped out when i looked around me. Not the like, horror house or haunted house, rather, type-stuff, just, oh, i don't know. I just got that vibe. It was a bit scarry.
Anyway, I haven't done much today, we had histoire first, worked in the comp lab.
I'm still waiting for lydia to join my blog here, and hopefulyy that's soon.
I had a Shakespeare test last class, and i have a math test next. Then I have CALM and i don't think my partners are here today. It's 4/20, for those of the student body who smoke pot. I don't have too much to do in CALM today anyhow, cause i did research and adjusted my budget yesterday.
Well, thats about all the stuff that is going on, for anyone who wanted to know.
Out Eng essays are due on monday, our word of the day Quiz is on next wed. Our Skapespeare play is Much Ado About Nothing, and we'll be starting that soon. I still wanted to do Taming of the Shrew. :0(.
Oh well. So ttyl,
~mAnDi J

tuesday

today...what happened? anything remarkable? hmm....i heard they picked the new pope guy, but i guess that doesn't affect me at all. i'm not catholic.
Oh! but we had a sub for histoire today, mr layton. he's not even semi passable w french. no one made an ounce of effort to spk french. In fact, i pretty much sat there and listened to trevor, brit foster, schof, and lucas gossip all class. I added a lil to the convo, but mostly i just listened. At least I didn't feel so out of place. i felt like i was a fish in water today- big improvement, eh, lydia?
Anyway, in eng we found out that we will be studying Much Ado About Nothing, which is so not cool, i really wanted to read Taming of the Shrew. But hopefully it's more captivating w/ mr. collins as our teacher, as most things seem to be.:)
And then we had our meeting today, really enjoyed that.
I am trying to finish my zine for thurs or fri now, it is so late in the month!!!! I can't believe how far into the month it is. time just flies by, doesn't it?
well, i suppose thats all for now.
Hopefully lydia will start posting on here too, that'll be neat, cuz i don't know how that function works.:P
Ne ways, ttyl
~mAnDi J

mondays

Hello...
today is monday. I don't really like mondays. It's something about the way it is just so hard to get up in the morning, and then the day streches on like it will never end, and you almost have this dreraded feeling that you're stuck in a wormhole and you'll never reach the next weekend. I don't like mondays.
But i went to school anyway, and this morning, it actually took me only 5 minutes instead of the normal 20 to get my lazy @$$ out of bed, so I suppose the day wasn't that bad.
After an exhasting and somewhat unrewarding and for all other intentions disappointing day at school, I came home to realize I had temporarily misplaced my one and only house key inside the house. The problem posed, of course, that the key was inside, the door was locked, and I was outside along with my sister. Horrible ending to the day, but of course, that was not the end. My mother eventually came home, unlocked the door with her key, and then, dispite my lack of a keyring and house key, gave me my own coveted key to the van. So now I can drive our family's vehicle without bumming keys. Mom or dad still need to be with me in the van at all times, but hey, it's a start.
After supper, mom and I dropped dad off at the Kingdom Hall, and then I drove to Shell in Coldbrook for mom to pump gas. That was weird. Being a new driver, I have never actually driven up to a gas pump before. I did alright, did not drive over the curb as my mother apparently did her first time, but the thing is, mom got out of the passenger side to pump the gas. I didn't pump it. Of course, I'm not complaining, because to complain would be to say I wanted to be the one to pay for the $60 worth of fuel. No thanks. She can do that part. I mean, I don't have my full license. Only learners.
So then I drove to Foodland, we got groceries, I drove home, and now she's gone the other direction to Berwick while I'm at home. Blogging. And hopefully, there is something on tv to watch tonight, cause then I could do something in addition to my hmwk.
regardless, I think this post is long enough. So until later, c'iao.
~mAnDi J

hmwk

hello again
I am supposed to be doing my homework as im typing this, but as you probably guessed, i cannot stay focused. At all. I have two encyclopedias on my lap and what am i doing? Blogging. No attention span when it comes to the Canadian Economy. None at all.
I am guessing I should go on to another project, possibly come back to this one. But here's why i shouldn't: if I do leave this project, I will work on another. I may finish that, I may not. But then something interesting will come on tv, and I will not get this essay which, btw, was due today, not tomorrow as i will be passing it in, and I have passed almost everything in late in this course. I feel really bad about it, but the teacher's cool about it. I hope her patience doesn't wear out, though.
anyways, i suppose i should really go now then.
oh, guess what i figured out? I can let other ppl on here to blog too. that's neat-o. Maybe I'll get Lydia to. Hmm.
Anyways, I really need to focus. ttyl
~mAnDi J

more history class...

class is almost over now, actually. we have officially done nothing.
and im a lil bored....
that word comes up a lot on this bklog, doesn't it?
well. ttyl