cracked rose coloured glasses

know whats not cool? Reading your friend's blog post that he put on shortly after tlking to you on msn, and reading bout how he feels suicidal. Thats so not cool, josh. Even if you're messing around. I write about death a lot, especially last year, and i have more recently recieved the gift of these rose coloured glasses. I refer to optimism, as in, No matter how bad it gets, things will get better. At some point, thing'll get better, and you have to hang around to wait it out.
Last night, i felt so incredibly ALIVE. I don't feel like that all the time. As you know, lydia, I often describe myself as "dead" or in a "zombie-like state". most often, i say I'm dead, refering to the lack of life i feel.
I was going to post today about what i was thinking of on the bus this morning- identity, appearances, and beauty. I was wondering, what is true beauty? They say it's on the inside. That looks aren't a major factor, and thats what i've held to my entire life. I don't normally get turned on by really hot guys. Normal ones w extraordinary minds is normally what i go for, tho why i'm posting that i have no clue.
I try to be honest, i really do. Everything i type is true, at least to some degree. What i put on here is not made up, it's merely my musings about the world around me, as i perceive it.
So I was thinking about identity, and how we know who we are. I've been trying to figure out who i am and what is most important to me at least consciously since grade 8. Why? I think it may have been to do with that i felt a peice of me was missing, and that if i knew who i was, than I could figure out what was missing, and fill it in. But it's never that simple, is it? You can't just print out results from a quiz online that tell you exactly who you are. You have to do it on your own, no one gets to help. Thats why so many people don't know who they are. Because it's hard. Sometimes painful when you begin to find out who you are.
I can go on probably indefinitely, but my classtime is almost up, so i'll end this for now.
~mAnDi J